Peeping Out of a Dark Hole


I should have seen it coming, it has been there, waiting in front of me 3 times before. A deep dark hole created by sleep deprivation, lack of self care, being on call 24/7 and BLOODY HORMONES. I didn’t see it until I had fallen in again.

I get revelations when I am on the loo. the epiphanies I have when I am seated outnumber the non-lavatory based realisations 10:1. I was having a good wee (alone, oh the luxury!) pondering things like; “Why am I not writing more, why don’t I feel like exercising, where is my motivation to wash my hair and cook, where is the joy and the passion? Why am I so fat and unlovable and useless?” when it hit me, ‘Fuck, I am depressed.”

I recognised it because I have been here with every baby. it is horrible but I have recognised it early and I am taking action to send it scurrying back to it’s own dark hole. I am eating a truckload of fruit and vegetables, taking iron supplements, magnesium, maca root powder and natural progesterone cream to get my extremely out of kilter hormones back into line. I am trying hot yoga but I am having ISSUES. Not being able to do the asanas….I can do them quite happily but Motivational issues and CONFRONTED BY THE MIRROR issues. I am bouncing on my rebounder a bit, walking a bit, peeping a little higher out of my hole. Some days I slip back down into the darkness but I have support from my beloved and awareness that this is a biochemical thing, a temporary thing that this too shall pass and I mustn’t let it consume me.

There is nothing shameful about it.

I have chosen not to take SSRIs or anti-depressants, not because of any misguided belief that I should be strong enough to do this without medication, I am not, it is absolutely necessary for me to medicate but I have a hormonal imbalance and not a serotonin issue. I have tried anti-depressants in the past and the flatness and absence of joy I felt for the brief period I was on them is not something I want in my head. I have seen people I am close to struggle with withdrawals and suicidality and other side effects that are the exact symptoms I am trying to treat. If anti-depressant medication works for you that is a wonderful thing but they don’t suit me and I am already having promising results using progesterone cream.

I have seen doctors before about my post natal depression and I am well versed, if you think you might have it please do talk to a trusted health professional and seek some more information from organisations such as The Black Dog Institute.

I am not a doctor, I am not pretending to be a doctor, I don’t know your circumstances, only my own. Please don’t think I am telling you what you should do (except do please seek some help if you are depressed!- I am telling you that!)

(I am a little pissed off to say the least that no-one has mentioned the massive drop in progesterone that we all go through when we give birth as a huge causal factor in many cases of PND. I am a little pissed off that the awful pre-menstrual dysphoria I have has been declared to be clinical depression and I have been given inappropriate prescriptions when I have all the signs of having estrogen dominance and not enough progesterone. But, one mustn’t dwell, that does not aid recovery. I have my progesterone cream now and it seems to be working for me.I can feel it wear off, when my thoughts get dark and I think I am unworthy and unlovable and no-one likes me and I am a terrible person, I rub a bit more cream in and lo and behold- within half an hour the thoughts drop away.)

Bouncing on my rebounder (mini-tramp) is also good. Cuddles are good. Talking about how I feel is good. Asking for help is good. Sometimes tears are good.

Thank goodness.

I am getting there, I am recovering.

Thank you for all your support.



  1. Lana says:

    Hi Jess,

    This is a great post. It is honest, and also it highlights something which is not often recognised – that hormones can play a major role in mood. I have worked with several clients who experienced the symptoms of major depressive disorder, particularly really hopeless and low-self-worth type thinking, when they used contraception like the pill or Implanon, and experienced immediate relief once they stopped using these forms of contraception.
    Glad to hear you have worked out that hormones play such a big role in your mental health and are seeking to get back in balance.

    xx Lana

    • Jessie says:

      Thanks Lana, it is amazing how much this sort of thing is not talked about, I am really glad you liked this post- it felt a bit weird putting out there an alternative approach to PND as there is such a backlash against alternative therapy lately but I just use what works best for me. It is interesting that hopelessness and low self worth seem to be hormonally linked from your observations. This is a struggle I have had for my whole life since puberty.

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